I’ve not always been single….

I was once in a settled 7 year relationship… yep that’s right settled

Thinking back to those years, i’m sorry to say that I went into that relationship for all the wrong reasons. My Epping Forest Country Club days were coming to an end, the large group of single girls that once was, were all starting to settle down. I was starting to feel like a gooseberry. Friends would try and set me up with their boyfriend’s friends, but it was never going to work. You can’t make ginger do things. I guess you could say I have a strong personality and I seem to be useless at hiding what i’m really thinking. Honestly I don’t even know i’m doing it half the time. The girls are always telling me off for this.

So anyway, i’ve done the dating thing for years, great nights out with the girls and i’ve even lived aboard (holiday rep, ill come back to that one later though)

You can imagine back 11 years ago internet dating really wasn’t the done thing, and I was young so not really sure why I did it, but I signed up to a site that funny enough my best friend met her husband on (and still married, not sure about the happy bit though)

I got chatting to a guy from Kent, he was the same age as me, seemed to like doing the same things, so we chatted for a few months (I was new to this) and finally agreed to meet. The big day arrived, I agreed to go to Kent. I told friends where I was going, gave them all the details etc his name, promised to call them and update and most importantly they would call me to see if I needed saving.

We met, we got chatting, had a few drinks. He was a lot different to other guys I had met, he was one of the nice guys and still to this day I say this about him. He was one of the nicest guys I had ever met. He was the complete opposite of me though, he liked playing sport, he went out but wasn’t a party animal, he played his football games on his computer; he was actually a little shy.

Before I knew it I was in a full blown relationship and we were talking about moving in together as I lived in East London and he lived in Kent, so we spent a lot time on the phone, and then weekends we would always meet up and do things.

In a funny sort of way I was enjoying not being part of the party scene as I had been doing that for some many years, and I didn’t think I was missing out as friends were getting married and even having babies. I still didn’t feel ready for this though. Before long we were looking at places to buy…. my life was changing but I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do……. but I was in the relationship now so I was going to make it work.

Looking back it was silly, but we brought our first home together it was great or was it?

From the outside we had it all, nice new house, great jobs, going on holiday twice a year, but 5 years into the relationship I started to think I needed more. I sort of lost who I was, I had put on so much weight, as you do when you’re a couple. We were always going out for meals, getting take outs. The Glam Essex girl was fading fast.

I hid this feeling for another year then I decided that I needed to speak to friends to see what they thought. I was a little shocked that a lot of my friends said they were surprised it had lasted this long as we were so different. The truth was that I didn’t want to hurt him; he hadn’t done anything wrong it was me.

I decided I needed to be honest with my boyfriend so I told him that I thought we should split up, I was sorry but I didn’t love him like a boyfriend, sounds cheesy but I felt like we were housemates and had felt like this for a few years.

The saddest thing was that he said he would change but it wasn’t him that needed to change. It was me ….. I thought I should be in a relationship because everyone else was. I had been a sheep following the flock!

It was a horrible time in my life (and i’m sure it was hard for him as well) at times I thought I had done the wrong thing, I learnt that the grass was not always greener being single. It was hard being single, but at the end of the day you only get one chance at this life thing so you have to make sure you are happy. I didn’t want to wake up when I was 40 being married to someone I didn’t really love.

Is that selfish?